Friday, January 8, 2010



1. A gift made as a token of good wishes or luck
2. Money given by a buyer to a seller to bind a bargain

Does anyone else think of the fairytale Handsel and Gretal in a more ominous light now?

I don't know about you but I only give money or gifts to people so that I can use it as ammunition against them later. It's never because of pity, kindness or a predisposed agreement. It's usually just to feel superior, to impress someone or to counteract a horrible deed I committed directly before giving this token of good will. I'll call a child a "fat asshole" and run away laughing but then afterward, because I feel bad, I'll give a street musician five dollars, but only if there is a large crowd gathered around and everyone see's me giving him money, if not what's the point? If there is no audience to see my act of good will, I'll just ignore them or throw a Korean dime into his hat and tell him not to quit his day job.

I don't believe in gifts, they always have ulterior motives, the gift as well as the giver. Both are evil. As my sister informed me recently the German word for poison is gift (I already knew that M, thanks...) Since German is the closest language to English I think that's evidence enough.

Don't get me wrong I adore buying gifts (poison) for people. I love the looks on their faces as they rip apart the wrapping like starving pathetic animals and hold the gift (poison) to their chest, gushing with an embarrassingly candid display of emotion about how they feel bad that they didn't get any (poison) thing for me.

No, after you!

Please, it's my pleasure!

Don't mention it.

You would have done the same for me.

It was nothing, really.

I'm glad you like it, I thought of you when I saw it.

I know it's expensive but I just couldn't help myself.

You know what all of those phrases translate to? In short they mean; You fucking owe me, bitch. Enjoy your tea candles, I hope that sweater/lighter/bathrobe I stole from a cheap hotel keeps you warm. But one day, when I'm pregnant and don't know who the father is, or need rent money or have to find someone to back up my (really unbelievable) alibi, or to tell me that I can't get cancer from smoking, who do you think I'm going to call?

I hope you enjoy the play dough I bought you! I'm so glad you do because I plan on getting drunk in public soon and resisting arrest and I'll probably (absolutely) need someone's milk money for bail.