Monday, September 7, 2009

Ripsnorter


Ripsnorter
(RIP-SNOR-ter)
noun


MEANING:
Something extraordinary: humdinger

Example Sentence: If I participated in something ripsnorter, I certainly would not talk about it.


This word does not fit it's definition. It's like a large, prison tattooed, bounty hunter with mother issues named Daisy. If a cop came up to me and asked if I was did something ripsnorter, I would immediately nod and put my hands forward so it would be easier to cuff me. Sometimes I feel like definitions are created by some dude named Chip randomly throwing darts at a billboard of new words.

"Something extraordinary?"

Whap!

"Well, Ripsnorter it is."

"Do you want to try again Chip? I don't feel like it fits."

"Nah, my wrist hurts."

"Ok, next definition...um, a good person who does things without wanting credit for their good deeds."

Whap!'

"I don't have my glasses on, what did it land on?"

"NaziChildMolestingSerialKiller"

"Good work Chip, it's 4:00 PM you can clock out now."

Sometimes I feel like my preposterous name was created in just such a fashion. I was born, a dart was thrown and because my parents had bad aim I was named Eugenia Miriam Borkowski. If my parents were basketball players I would be named Wamp Pow Pop Awesome, which is what people who are close to me are hereby instructed to call me. Take note, one person who can touch me without me screaming.

However, it is a good thing that my parents were left handed because the names Eugenia and Miriam and Borkowski were, coincidentally right on the boarder of the names Adolf Fucking Hitler, which would probably make it EVEN harder for me to make friends. Although Fucking Hilter Adolf is a kind of cool name. FHA has a nice ring to it.

* For some reason when I typed ripsnorter into Google Image the images that came up consisted primarily of dogs so I opted to put up a picture of my parents on the night I was conceived instead. On a lighter note if you google image hot anal sex a picture of the actress Anne Hathaway comes up, right after a photo of me. It's so appropriate that it's inappropriate.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Bashful


Bashful
(ˈbash-fəl)
adjective

DEFINITION:
1. Socially shy or timid
2. Etymology: obsolete bash (to be abashed)
3. Embarrassed by compliments, attention

EXAMPLE SENTENCE Before I learned this word, when I was 1.5 years old, I thought its definition had something to do with bashing skulls in. I was not far off. ( Oh, wait, I neglected to put the actual word into the sentence....um, bashful! Ok, I feel better, do you?)

You know one thing which I am not? Ok, to be clear there a few things which I am not. I am not a rapist (89% sure). I am not a boating enthusiast (19% sure). I am not someone who uses smiley face at the end of e-mails (155% sure) and I am not someone you should loan money too. Just kidding S*** I will TOTALLY pay you back!

I can say the latter with a absolute clarity because it is 263% fact. One other thing that I can say with a straight face is that no matter the situation, I am not, under any circumstance, bashful. Don't get me wrong I relish in being a self-deprecating, irritating little shit. With a pension for taking a automatic weapons and casually fishing for compliments with terms like, "Am I good enough?", "Tell me again about how nice I look when I sleep, because I cannot believe you when you only say it twice." But bashful? Neigh, my friends.

A bashful person does not keep their IQ score laminated and readily available in their back pocket on the off chance that it may come up in conversation. A bashful person does not send in an anonymous, insider "tip" to the local news claiming that the yet unidentified person who saved the 20 drowning children had brown hair, blue eyes and a weird name...something like Eugenia or Ugenya or...click.

A bashful person blushes when someone asks if it's true that they once scaled a 12 foot burning building to save a purebred Persian cat from getting it's whiskers singed. They do not, as I would do, roll their eyes and say, "Scaled a building? That's an understatement. More like floated."

And a bashful person does not harbor the dream of someday being a writer. Because what is writing if not saying, "Stop it. Let me tell the story, I can do it so much better even though I was not there. Your memories, your reflections, your stories? Coming from your mouth they mean nothing, the audience politely excuses it'self to the bathroom and never returns. Allow me to tell it instead. Because I am profound and prolific, I am the voice you frantically grasp at but never capture. I use a thousand word to describe a smiley face...I am gold. I am pure. I spit fire. Once, when I was 11...wait, where did everyone go?"

(: Also, bashful was one of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs. And I'm 82% sure I am not a dwarf.