Thursday, July 9, 2009




1. not to be persuaded, moved, or stopped

No matter how good you are at tennis a wall will always beat you, those fuckers are inexorable.*

This attribute, in my opinion is something that you are born with, not something you can cultivate or hone. I am certifiably not inexorable. I can be persuaded, moved or stopped with the promise of a cookie. In fact, I can do two at once, I'll move and stop at the exact same time and BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND.

I once was persuaded to go to the New Jersey Ikea at 8:30 in the morning after throwing up all evening from a very rare and romantic illness (booze and drugs). I put up a fight at first. Put my foot down in a very real, strong way by calmly and confidently saying, "Uh, do I have to?" And when I was told that I did have to I didn't take it laying down, no sir-e. I waiting until the person in question had turned around and then I flipped them the bird. AND I also proceeded to mumble under my breath, "One day I'm gonna murder you." to which my needy friend said, "What did you say?" and I stammered, "We should get...a...mirror...too." And then just to stick it to the man, I threw up in a 19.99 steel polished trashcan shaped like an elephant in an Ikea showroom.

You see how I did that? That's called standing up for yourself folks.

It's not that I'm a push over it's just that I'm usually so drunk that my equilibrium is off and it's literally REALLY easy to When I'm sober it's a little harder, you have to have a running start and distract me by saying, "Look an polar bear!" before you come charging at my poor defenseless person.

The interesting thing about this affliction is that people who lack an inexorable demeanor usually become serial killers, or go on shooting spree's, or say really mean things behind your back. That's why neighbors of vicious serial killers in the news always are quoted saying, "He was such a nice guy, quiet, polite...he helped me take me trash in alot and once he even came to Ikea with me even though he was sick!" You rarely hear them say something to the effect of, "Well of course we knew this was coming, he was a boorish bully, totally stubborn and mean spirited, a total serial killer in the making. Nobody is surprised."

It's what my sister would call a quiet storm.

The moral of this short bedtime story being, don't make your friends go to Ikea, sick or not. Because they will end up stuffing a rag filled with chloroform into your mouth, putting you into a plastic trash bag, chopping up your body with a ax and stuffing you in their freezer all the while smiling and offering to help their neighbors take in their trash cans. Either that or they will say something really mean about you behind your back, which to me is way ruder.

*A spin of of a Mitch Hedberg joke. If you do not know him, your life has been wasted.


jorg wobblington lopez said...

Thank God for Mitch. I was just about to write off my life as a waste.

Jeremy said...

we listened to a whole lot of Mitch Hedberg on the river this year, which is either proof positive that you should have been there or that you have my number and are currently saying something awful behind my back. sigh.

JMH said...

7/11's word was "weird." Weird? Did they let someone's five year old kid do one?

Eugenia Borkowski said...

JHM, Yes, I noted that. Tomorrow the word will probably be "and" or "nice", perhaps they have an unenthusiastic monkey pressing a shiny button to save money or that mechanical bird that Homer Simpson used in a very old episode and almost blew up the plant.

Eugenia Borkowski said...

and when I said JHM I clearly meant JMH but I had my monkey write that comment and he always screws up.

MEBEE said...

This blog is a quiet storm. Turn up the volume sistah.

Emilia said...

Another nice post.......thanks for sharing.