Wednesday, July 29, 2009
1. : extravagant exaggeration
I once called in sick to work saying that I woke up and couldn't feel my legs, despite what people think, I swear it was not purely hyperbole.
I am both an intensely good liar and a very bad liar. The good part comes from the fact that I know how much you should exaggerate to make a story good and the bad part being that when people hear my grossly exaggerated stories that take them with a grain of salt.
The problem with my aptitude to exaggeration is that occasionally insane things DO actually happen to me; the spider in my bathroom WAS as big as my hand, the man DID have a birthmark on his forehead that looked exactly like a swastika, the man who broke into the building WAS wearing a Santa Claus outfit. But because of my reputation, in the minds of my family and friends, the man who broke in was simply wearing white pants and a red coca cola tee-shirt, the birthmark was a mole the size of the top of a pin and there was never any spider.
It's a difficult cross to bear and therefore from here on out I'm going to under exaggerate everything that happens to me in an attempt to counteract the curse. I may come home covered in blood with cigarette burns on my face and no shoes and instead of telling you the GODDAMN HILARIOUS tale of being initiated into a gang I will simply say, "Nothing, I ate a sandwich, it was okay."
You see what you are robbing yourself of? Joy. Entertainment. Excitement. A momentary escape from a meaningless existence where, for a fleeting moment, you are transported to a fantastic realm, where reality is just another word for boredom and everything is a little bigger, a little brighter and a little more fantastic than what actually happened because what actually happened would be hardly noteworthy.
Actually, I just have nothing exciting to relay.