Wednesday, July 29, 2009





1. : extravagant exaggeration

I once called in sick to work saying that I woke up and couldn't feel my legs, despite what people think, I swear it was not purely hyperbole.

I am both an intensely good liar and a very bad liar. The good part comes from the fact that I know how much you should exaggerate to make a story good and the bad part being that when people hear my grossly exaggerated stories that take them with a grain of salt.

The problem with my aptitude to exaggeration is that occasionally insane things DO actually happen to me; the spider in my bathroom WAS as big as my hand, the man DID have a birthmark on his forehead that looked exactly like a swastika, the man who broke into the building WAS wearing a Santa Claus outfit. But because of my reputation, in the minds of my family and friends, the man who broke in was simply wearing white pants and a red coca cola tee-shirt, the birthmark was a mole the size of the top of a pin and there was never any spider.

It's a difficult cross to bear and therefore from here on out I'm going to under exaggerate everything that happens to me in an attempt to counteract the curse. I may come home covered in blood with cigarette burns on my face and no shoes and instead of telling you the GODDAMN HILARIOUS tale of being initiated into a gang I will simply say, "Nothing, I ate a sandwich, it was okay."

You see what you are robbing yourself of? Joy. Entertainment. Excitement. A momentary escape from a meaningless existence where, for a fleeting moment, you are transported to a fantastic realm, where reality is just another word for boredom and everything is a little bigger, a little brighter and a little more fantastic than what actually happened because what actually happened would be hardly noteworthy.

Actually, I just have nothing exciting to relay.


Rachel said...

Hyperbole-related issues is the CENTRAL DRAMA OF MY LIFE. Well, that and staying thin.

jorg wobblington lopez said...

I eat from a hyperbole.

JMH said...

Daymare -- not a word.

I would cut someone's throat in Scrabble if he attached the rest to my clever play of the Y of "Day" on the double letter score. How I love an extra 4 points. How I hate to be corrupted and give out at least 5 points for M-A-R-E.


Ashley said...

I love u...this is beautiful and special...

...and i except every lie you tell as the TRUF!!!!!

JMH said...

My earlier comment might be clearer without the middle paragraph. (Gin.)

MEBEE said...