Thursday, June 11, 2009





1. A large tomb, usually an ornate stone building.

Even after death I will be superior to you, my mausoleum will be bigger and shiner and encrusted with diamonds, yours will be lame and ugly.

I always thought that I wanted to be cremated. I imagined a gala of darkly clad weeping loved ones throwing my remains into a large body of water and after deciding that was not dramatic enough, agreeing that the only way to fully tribute my memory is to set themselves on fire and die with me. In my mind this event is publicized world wide and there would be a moment where every single person in the world would simultaneously fall to their knee's, reach there arms to the sky and scream, "WHY??? WHY? Take me instead!"

Now, although this is a very realistic scenario, I just gave it some really deep thought (for 15 seconds) and decided that in additional to all of that, I want a mausoleum constructed in my honor. I want guards standing watch at all times. Actually, a bouncer named Bubu will do. He will be there to check ID's because my grave may look like a depressing tomb from the outside but on the inside it will be a CRAZY disco! So, you'll have to be 21 to enter, obviously. Or you can try to bribe Bubu, but he only accepts hand jobs and self help books, so don't embarrass yourself by trying to pass him a 20.

Are you kind of hoping I die tomorrow so this magical place becomes a reality immediately? Well tough luck folks, cause I went to a witch doctor this morning and she said that Dead Eugenia Disco will not be opening until 2075.

Deal with it.


MEBEE said...

But the witch doctor is biased because she's already at Eugenia's Death Disco... and having a rollicking good time, apparently.

Coffee Slingers said...

who's the big guy? and is he in that mausoleum right now? High lariats!

dogimo said...

Listen, I want a mausoleum with a machine inside, with pistons and gears and wheels and knives and it would be solar-powered, to run forever run clean - chopping, grinding, churning the remainder of me.

Standing outside, if you laid your palm flat on the cool stone and splayed your fingers out wide, you could feel the hum.