Thursday, June 18, 2009

Hag⋅Fish

Hag-Fish
(hagg-fish)
noun

MEANING:
1: any eellike, marine cyclostome of the order Myxiniformes, having undeveloped eyes, a barbel-rimmed, circular mouth, and horny teeth for boring into the flesh of fishes to feed on their interior parts.

EXAMPLE SENTENCE:
My body dysmorphic disorder makes me think my chiseled features and rock hard abs are more akin to a hag-fish then the world renowned supermodel that I am.

This word, apart from it's highly amusing definition, serves me with a kick ass insult which I will now pepper my already boorish vocabulary with. I am constantly looking for combination's of words which encapsulate the rage I want to unleash upon the person/subway system/poorly made sandwich they are directed at: but because of my lack of innovation I always end up saying, cock-sucking, muther-cunting ass-fucker, or stupid fat meanie instead of the articulate insult I wish I could come up with. Now I see the error of my ways and will substitute these cliche excuses to say,"Pardon my french" with....Hag fish.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, the subway agent who would not return my glorious gold one dollar coin after it got eaten by your machine. You are no longer a depressed, unsympathetic idiot with an uncommonly large head, you can now go home and tell your family that some white girl called you a Hag-fish.

And to the cab driver who "didn't have any change" and forced me to forfeit my two dollars after giving you a $20.00 for a $16.00 dollar ride. I'm sorry I said that you should go back to your own country and I apologize for saying that your wife has a mustache. What I meant to say is that you both are Hag-fishes and you both have mustaches.

Last but not least, to the little kid on the subway today who meant to throw a Cheeto at your friend next to me but hit me in the face instead with that greasy bit of cardiac arrest inducing filth? Well, it was delicious, but I would have preferred if it was made of Hag-Fish.

P.s. I dare you to not think of an angry vagina if you look up images of an actual hag-fish. So, maybe we should put the word pussy on hiatus, let it nap for awhile and substitute the word hag fish instead.

Meow.

2 comments:

JMH said...

Horny teeth?

MEBEE said...

here here. I think insults based on flora or fauna are a good middle ground between Shakespeare's flowery slicers and the limited, rotating set of four letter word combos we throw around today.