Tuesday, May 26, 2009
1. A large-scale slaughter
It is recommended to start out with a few small-scale slaughters before trying your hand and a hecatomb.
There's really nothing I love more than ritual animal sacrifice. Especially when it is done in the name of keeping the God's "happy".
There is an image in my head which I equate to figures like Santa Clause, The Lord and most Greek God's. The image is of a large obese man, balding slightly, a wife beater stained with barbecue sauce stretched over a large distended stomach. This man wears flip flops and unzipped cut off shorts. He sits in a reclining sofa chair and drinks beer all day, crushing each can against his forehead when finished and chucking the deflated cans at the feral cats which swarm about his house.
Occasionally a little winged servant will nervously knock on the screen door and ask the slurring belligerent God if there is anything that us mere morals could do to make his rage stop and bring peace to the earth. To this the nearly unconscious God would grunt, scratch his stomach and burp loudly before yelling,
"Shit man, I don't know. Make 'em kill a bunch of fucking cows or some shit."
The trembling winged servant will bow and politely ask how many cows or some shit had to be slaughtered to keep him happy.
And to that the gracious God would scratch his balls and say,
"You best kill a lot of mutherfucking bovine or I'm gonna be fucking pissssssssed, mutherfucker."
And thus a lot of motherfucking cows were hacked up and peace on earth was restored, chaos was kept at bay and there was much rejoicing.
“For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”- John 3:17