Friday, January 8, 2010

Handsel



Handsel
(Han-sul)
Noun

MEANING:
1. A gift made as a token of good wishes or luck
2. Money given by a buyer to a seller to bind a bargain

EXAMPLE SENTENCE:
Does anyone else think of the fairytale Handsel and Gretal in a more ominous light now?

I don't know about you but I only give money or gifts to people so that I can use it as ammunition against them later. It's never because of pity, kindness or a predisposed agreement. It's usually just to feel superior, to impress someone or to counteract a horrible deed I committed directly before giving this token of good will. I'll call a child a "fat asshole" and run away laughing but then afterward, because I feel bad, I'll give a street musician five dollars, but only if there is a large crowd gathered around and everyone see's me giving him money, if not what's the point? If there is no audience to see my act of good will, I'll just ignore them or throw a Korean dime into his hat and tell him not to quit his day job.

I don't believe in gifts, they always have ulterior motives, the gift as well as the giver. Both are evil. As my sister informed me recently the German word for poison is gift (I already knew that M, thanks...) Since German is the closest language to English I think that's evidence enough.

Don't get me wrong I adore buying gifts (poison) for people. I love the looks on their faces as they rip apart the wrapping like starving pathetic animals and hold the gift (poison) to their chest, gushing with an embarrassingly candid display of emotion about how they feel bad that they didn't get any (poison) thing for me.

No, after you!

Please, it's my pleasure!

Don't mention it.

You would have done the same for me.

It was nothing, really.

I'm glad you like it, I thought of you when I saw it.

I know it's expensive but I just couldn't help myself.

You know what all of those phrases translate to? In short they mean; You fucking owe me, bitch. Enjoy your tea candles, I hope that sweater/lighter/bathrobe I stole from a cheap hotel keeps you warm. But one day, when I'm pregnant and don't know who the father is, or need rent money or have to find someone to back up my (really unbelievable) alibi, or to tell me that I can't get cancer from smoking, who do you think I'm going to call?

I hope you enjoy the play dough I bought you! I'm so glad you do because I plan on getting drunk in public soon and resisting arrest and I'll probably (absolutely) need someone's milk money for bail.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Malleable


Malleable
(MAL-ee-uh-bul)

Adjective

Meaning:
1. Capable of being extended or shaped by beating with a hammer or by the pressure of rollers.
2. Capable of being altered or controlled by outside forces or influences

Example Sentence:
My cookie dough refused to become malleable so I kicked my grandmother in the face.

Talk about bad marketing. The definition of this word promises violence, corruption, mind control and possibly bad 80's hairstyles. I mean, what do you think of when you hear the phrases, beating with a hammer, or controlled by outside influences? Personally I think of High School, made for TV movie's about teen violence, cult influences and Looney Toon characters being murdered in humorous ways. When I first read the definition of this word, I thought, "Well this ought to be good."

But no. This word is used mainly for metal work, welding, plumbing and occasionally jewelry crafting.

The beating with a hammer aspect leans more towards how to make a piece of metal into the shape of a swan and less towards, how to kill a man in two blows or less using common household tools. I have not been this dissipointed since that day I was told I was not adopted.

Blah!

This word is like buying a DVD called Hot Young Sluts Take it in the Butt and receiving a children's book about caterpillars becoming butterfly's, much to your child's disappointment. Or people who use the words curvy or voluptuous when they really mean obese with heart problems, frequently requiring wheelchair access.

Worse yet, the example sentence that Merriam Webster provided me with was, "Grandma took the cookie dough out of the refrigerator and allowed it to soften to a consistency that was firm yet malleable."

And after that build up we don't even get to see a crotch shot? Merriam Webster is a cock tease and I'm going to rape her one day if she's isn't careful. Probably at 2:00.

* P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

* P.P.S. If you don't get the 2:00, you get raped reference, I'm not sure if we can be friends.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Ripsnorter


Ripsnorter
(RIP-SNOR-ter)
noun


MEANING:
Something extraordinary: humdinger

Example Sentence: If I participated in something ripsnorter, I certainly would not talk about it.


This word does not fit it's definition. It's like a large, prison tattooed, bounty hunter with mother issues named Daisy. If a cop came up to me and asked if I was did something ripsnorter, I would immediately nod and put my hands forward so it would be easier to cuff me. Sometimes I feel like definitions are created by some dude named Chip randomly throwing darts at a billboard of new words.

"Something extraordinary?"

Whap!

"Well, Ripsnorter it is."

"Do you want to try again Chip? I don't feel like it fits."

"Nah, my wrist hurts."

"Ok, next definition...um, a good person who does things without wanting credit for their good deeds."

Whap!'

"I don't have my glasses on, what did it land on?"

"NaziChildMolestingSerialKiller"

"Good work Chip, it's 4:00 PM you can clock out now."

Sometimes I feel like my preposterous name was created in just such a fashion. I was born, a dart was thrown and because my parents had bad aim I was named Eugenia Miriam Borkowski. If my parents were basketball players I would be named Wamp Pow Pop Awesome, which is what people who are close to me are hereby instructed to call me. Take note, one person who can touch me without me screaming.

However, it is a good thing that my parents were left handed because the names Eugenia and Miriam and Borkowski were, coincidentally right on the boarder of the names Adolf Fucking Hitler, which would probably make it EVEN harder for me to make friends. Although Fucking Hilter Adolf is a kind of cool name. FHA has a nice ring to it.

* For some reason when I typed ripsnorter into Google Image the images that came up consisted primarily of dogs so I opted to put up a picture of my parents on the night I was conceived instead. On a lighter note if you google image hot anal sex a picture of the actress Anne Hathaway comes up, right after a photo of me. It's so appropriate that it's inappropriate.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Bashful


Bashful
(ˈbash-fəl)
adjective

DEFINITION:
1. Socially shy or timid
2. Etymology: obsolete bash (to be abashed)
3. Embarrassed by compliments, attention

EXAMPLE SENTENCE Before I learned this word, when I was 1.5 years old, I thought its definition had something to do with bashing skulls in. I was not far off. ( Oh, wait, I neglected to put the actual word into the sentence....um, bashful! Ok, I feel better, do you?)

You know one thing which I am not? Ok, to be clear there a few things which I am not. I am not a rapist (89% sure). I am not a boating enthusiast (19% sure). I am not someone who uses smiley face at the end of e-mails (155% sure) and I am not someone you should loan money too. Just kidding S*** I will TOTALLY pay you back!

I can say the latter with a absolute clarity because it is 263% fact. One other thing that I can say with a straight face is that no matter the situation, I am not, under any circumstance, bashful. Don't get me wrong I relish in being a self-deprecating, irritating little shit. With a pension for taking a automatic weapons and casually fishing for compliments with terms like, "Am I good enough?", "Tell me again about how nice I look when I sleep, because I cannot believe you when you only say it twice." But bashful? Neigh, my friends.

A bashful person does not keep their IQ score laminated and readily available in their back pocket on the off chance that it may come up in conversation. A bashful person does not send in an anonymous, insider "tip" to the local news claiming that the yet unidentified person who saved the 20 drowning children had brown hair, blue eyes and a weird name...something like Eugenia or Ugenya or...click.

A bashful person blushes when someone asks if it's true that they once scaled a 12 foot burning building to save a purebred Persian cat from getting it's whiskers singed. They do not, as I would do, roll their eyes and say, "Scaled a building? That's an understatement. More like floated."

And a bashful person does not harbor the dream of someday being a writer. Because what is writing if not saying, "Stop it. Let me tell the story, I can do it so much better even though I was not there. Your memories, your reflections, your stories? Coming from your mouth they mean nothing, the audience politely excuses it'self to the bathroom and never returns. Allow me to tell it instead. Because I am profound and prolific, I am the voice you frantically grasp at but never capture. I use a thousand word to describe a smiley face...I am gold. I am pure. I spit fire. Once, when I was 11...wait, where did everyone go?"

(: Also, bashful was one of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs. And I'm 82% sure I am not a dwarf.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Hyperbole


Hyperbole

(hye-PER-buh-lee)

noun

MEANING:
1. : extravagant exaggeration

EXAMPLE SENTENCE:
I once called in sick to work saying that I woke up and couldn't feel my legs, despite what people think, I swear it was not purely hyperbole.

I am both an intensely good liar and a very bad liar. The good part comes from the fact that I know how much you should exaggerate to make a story good and the bad part being that when people hear my grossly exaggerated stories that take them with a grain of salt.

The problem with my aptitude to exaggeration is that occasionally insane things DO actually happen to me; the spider in my bathroom WAS as big as my hand, the man DID have a birthmark on his forehead that looked exactly like a swastika, the man who broke into the building WAS wearing a Santa Claus outfit. But because of my reputation, in the minds of my family and friends, the man who broke in was simply wearing white pants and a red coca cola tee-shirt, the birthmark was a mole the size of the top of a pin and there was never any spider.

It's a difficult cross to bear and therefore from here on out I'm going to under exaggerate everything that happens to me in an attempt to counteract the curse. I may come home covered in blood with cigarette burns on my face and no shoes and instead of telling you the GODDAMN HILARIOUS tale of being initiated into a gang I will simply say, "Nothing, I ate a sandwich, it was okay."

You see what you are robbing yourself of? Joy. Entertainment. Excitement. A momentary escape from a meaningless existence where, for a fleeting moment, you are transported to a fantastic realm, where reality is just another word for boredom and everything is a little bigger, a little brighter and a little more fantastic than what actually happened because what actually happened would be hardly noteworthy.

Actually, I just have nothing exciting to relay.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Bardolater

Bardolater

(ar-DAH-luh-ter)

noun

MEANING: 1. A person who idolizes Shakespeare

EXAMPLE SENTENCE: If you fancy yourself a bardolater it's best to also have something tough to back it up with, like, "And I also collect machine guns."


I'm a bardolater. Except for instead of Shakespeare, it's booze and instead of a idolization it's more like an quirky personality trait or a funny habit or as my therapist said right before I fired her, "A sick addiction that must stop immediately if I want to live past the age of 26," Judgmental anyone?

Actually I know a lot about Shakespeare, or Shaky-Shakes as I call him in private. I know that he was a pretty good writer but lacked the biting humor that greater writers such as myself possess. I've heard rumors that he was bisexual and more over I have proof of it. I knew that his neighbors often complained about his loud music and that he rarely washed his pants. I also once took a Shakespeare class where we were required to "translate" his sonnets into modern day lamens terms. It was in Community College, ok? For example the teacher would say,

"But be contented when that fell arrest,
Without all bail shall carry me away,
My life hath in this line some interest,
Which for memorial still with thee shall stay."

And Tyrone would scream from the back of the room,

"Mutherfucking Shakespeare was arrested, yo."

Tyrone was the smartest person in the class, by far. I thought the sonnet was about falling asleep on a hay bale.

In fact if you want to know anything else about Shakespeare, you should probably just ask him, I’m done with this gay literary bullshit, I’m gonna go watch reality TV and really learn something.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Inexorable


Inexorable

(i-NEK-suh-ruh-bul)
adjective

MEANING:
1. not to be persuaded, moved, or stopped
2.relentless

EXAMPLE SENTENCE
No matter how good you are at tennis a wall will always beat you, those fuckers are inexorable.*

This attribute, in my opinion is something that you are born with, not something you can cultivate or hone. I am certifiably not inexorable. I can be persuaded, moved or stopped with the promise of a cookie. In fact, I can do two at once, I'll move and stop at the exact same time and BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND.

I once was persuaded to go to the New Jersey Ikea at 8:30 in the morning after throwing up all evening from a very rare and romantic illness (booze and drugs). I put up a fight at first. Put my foot down in a very real, strong way by calmly and confidently saying, "Uh, do I have to?" And when I was told that I did have to I didn't take it laying down, no sir-e. I waiting until the person in question had turned around and then I flipped them the bird. AND I also proceeded to mumble under my breath, "One day I'm gonna murder you." to which my needy friend said, "What did you say?" and I stammered, "We should get...a...mirror...too." And then just to stick it to the man, I threw up in a 19.99 steel polished trashcan shaped like an elephant in an Ikea showroom.

You see how I did that? That's called standing up for yourself folks.

It's not that I'm a push over it's just that I'm usually so drunk that my equilibrium is off and it's literally REALLY easy to push....me...over. When I'm sober it's a little harder, you have to have a running start and distract me by saying, "Look an polar bear!" before you come charging at my poor defenseless person.

The interesting thing about this affliction is that people who lack an inexorable demeanor usually become serial killers, or go on shooting spree's, or say really mean things behind your back. That's why neighbors of vicious serial killers in the news always are quoted saying, "He was such a nice guy, quiet, polite...he helped me take me trash in alot and once he even came to Ikea with me even though he was sick!" You rarely hear them say something to the effect of, "Well of course we knew this was coming, he was a boorish bully, totally stubborn and mean spirited, a total serial killer in the making. Nobody is surprised."

It's what my sister would call a quiet storm.

The moral of this short bedtime story being, don't make your friends go to Ikea, sick or not. Because they will end up stuffing a rag filled with chloroform into your mouth, putting you into a plastic trash bag, chopping up your body with a ax and stuffing you in their freezer all the while smiling and offering to help their neighbors take in their trash cans. Either that or they will say something really mean about you behind your back, which to me is way ruder.

*A spin of of a Mitch Hedberg joke. If you do not know him, your life has been wasted.